I’m a trans woman’s wife: my life with Debbie Hayton

 

I’m a trans woman’s wife: my life with Debbie Hayton

In 2012 Stephanie Hayton’s husband transitioned and became her wife. Here she explains why their voices need to be heard

Stephanie and Debbie Hayton today and on their wedding day
Stephanie and Debbie Hayton today and on their wedding day
DEBBIE HAYTON
Stephanie Hayton
The Times

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Iturned to my colleague after an hour of trying to focus on some urgent pieces of work. “I need to go home,” I said. “I’m not coping.”
I am Stephanie, and I am married to Debbie. In case you haven’t heard, Debbie transitioned from male to female in 2012 and has written a book about her story, gender politics and why gender ideology is a bad idea. Her voice is important because she has lived through transition and challenges gender groupthink from the inside. However, my voice is also important, as are the voices of others: those who have de-transitioned, the trans widows who have been abandoned or abused by trans ex-husbands, and trans people who have successfully transitioned and live happy and integrated lives. We need to hear lots of voices.
Unfortunately, it appears that the loudest voices are those who attack or jump to conclusions on minimal evidence. According to social media I am traumatised, voiceless, with sunken eyes. I am not sure that my colleagues or family would agree. Three weeks ago I was on a stage talking to 200 people about the Christian faith. Last week I co-led a course on conflict resolution. This is my job now, after spending 15 years as a physics teacher. The common thread between faith and physics is that both involve seeking truth and ensuring that the truth is grounded in reality. I realise that some may disagree with that description of religion, others may shudder at physics, but I find both fulfilling.
We have come a long way together. Shortly after Debbie transitioned, a friend gave me a list of different types of intimacy. Genital intimacy was one, but there were many others. Debbie and I share work intimacy — doing common tasks together — and intellectual intimacy when we can spend hours discussing politics, physics and faith. Working through problems together contributes to the intimacy of shared history, while we also share spiritual intimacy and the recreational intimacy of sharing fun times.
The Haytons at home after they were married
The Haytons at home after they were married
We support each other in life by encouraging or challenging one another. When I saw a job advert in 2020 that seemed perfect but would entail a move to another city it was Debbie who said: “Try it. Apply. This could be exciting.” When I started my new role and we were living in different cities for six months, Debbie used the train so I could have the car for work. Debbie speaks at debates and I sometimes sit in the audience, but then I preach at the cathedral and Debbie is in the congregation. Seeking truth and being grounded in reality means accepting that people change and situations change — and marriages change. Maturity means a willingness to accept that.
I have also learnt something unexpected: that nature is strong. We cannot undo thousands of years of evolution because we want life to be different. We instinctively know the difference between men and women. If a person tries hard they can be perceived as the other sex (or even non-binary), but it takes more than declaring a pronoun or wearing certain clothes. Mannerisms, tone of voice, ways of sitting and standing, as well as body shape and hair style contribute to our instinct about whether we face a man or woman. At age 20 I assumed that we could change the world if we used the right words, but I now know that words are a small part of the whole.
Debbie Hayton at home
Debbie Hayton at home
TOM JACKSON FOR THE TIMES
So why was I not coping? Although I tend to stay away from social media, a few comments had crept through. I was upset that people (including my mother) were denounced when they commented that they found Debbie’s Times interview helpful. I was disappointed that the journalist was criticised for using female pronouns for Debbie and Debbie was condemned for not insisting on male pronouns. Frankly, I am saddened when pronouns are imposed on anyone. I was tired and wondered whether we could find a way through this? But I talked to my colleague (in real life), accepted that a comment on social media is just a moment in time (even if hurtful at that moment) and go forward with confidence in nature, faith and friendships.
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