The Times- Singing songs of praise for our non-binary family
Singing songs of praise for our non-binary family
The broadcaster Carrie Grant and her presenter husband once had three daughters. Now she is the only female
Aged ten, Arlo Grant, who was born a girl, chose a different name. “It was very funny,” says Arlo’s mother, the broadcaster Carrie Grant. “They announced to the whole house, ‘I am a boy’ and said ‘I want to be called Ian’.
“Everyone said, ‘Oh my God, not Ian!’ No one batted an eyelid at the boy thing but everyone objected to the name Ian.”
Carrie, 56, and her husband David, 65, the Songs of Praise presenter and former pop star from the band Linx have four children. The three oldest were born girls; now all are “trans/non-binary”.
“Olive Gray, the oldest, is 26 and non-binary,” says Carrie. “Olive uses the pronouns they/them. Nineteen-year-old Tylan [a star in the Channel 4 soap Hollyoaks] is non-binary masculine, and uses the pronouns they/he so that is quite a big change. Our third child, who is 15, is currently called Arlo. They are non-binary — they would say they are a demigirl.
“Arlo has gone through, ‘I want to be a boy’, then it was, ‘No, I am not a boy, I am a lesbian’. The lesbian thing remained but the gender thing changed. Arlo is now a demigirl, someone who does not feel female.
“Arlo was called Mae for two years until a month ago but their name at birth was Imogen. Tylan used to be called Talia. Olivia is now Olive. All of them really hate what they call their ‘dead names’. David and I sometimes say, ‘OK, we obviously chose really badly’. At the end of last year there was a moment of me thinking, ‘Oh, I do not have any daughters any more’. As a mum I always wanted daughters. I am the only female left in the family. I managed to think, ‘OK, I need to grieve that and move on’.”
Carrie is speaking for the first time about the complexities of family life with children who question their gender before a conference this month called The Gender Agenda, at which she and her husband are appearing. At the event, organised by Oasis, the biggest schools academies trust, guidelines will be published for teachers on how to handle boys who want to be girls and vice versa.
There has been an explosion in the number of children wanting to change gender. In 2009, 77 patients were referred to England’s only children’s gender-identity treatment clinic. By April 2019 the number had hit 2,590. Steve Chalke, the founder and leader of Oasis, says that across the trust’s 52 schools last year nearly 50 children said they were confused about their gender identity.
Guidance will cover subjects such as how to deal with requests by children who want to be known by different pronouns, play sport with the opposite sex and wear a different uniform. It will include advice on gender-neutral toilets, school uniforms, sport and the use of pronouns.
It is far from easy. Even at home, Carrie sometimes slips up. “I sometimes misgender them, apologise, and move on quickly,” she says. They describe themselves as a liberal family and she and David have appeared as vocal coaches on shows including Fame Academy and Pop Idol.
The children have talked to therapists, but none has taken puberty-blocking drugs or cross-sex hormones, although they may do so in future. “We will get as much information as we can. In terms of having medical treatment I would want them to look into the pitfalls,” Carrie says. “The oldest is not interested. The second is interested. The third goes in and out of being interested. It is for the third child I would be most concerned.”
The risks of such treatments were illustrated in a court case last year brought by Keira Bell, who was prescribed puberty blockers at 16 but later regretted taking them. The High Court said: “The consequences of the treatment are highly complex and potentially lifelong and life changing in the most fundamental way.”
“We will be listening to their desire,” says Carrie. “My preference would be they live in their non-binary status a bit longer and see where that goes. I think they would agree with that.”
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